hey... like i know now.. i wanna tell u this... i can see now... i can see people now.. and it's making me kinda feel crazy. Me seeing ppl. and not knowing how to help them. just knowing is not enough,doing is what's important. Always calculating, always making mistakes. always.... feeling when a protection ramp falls, and you know when you fall,you are going to hit harder. ignorance is a bliss. knowing hurts,especially when you are helpless. Suggestion is also a way to make things works, but people just don't listen. and i have no intention of convincing them. So just watch people get burn. Sometimes you just can't let people get burnt all by them self. you just have to tag along, cause there's future that'll change if you don't tag along. Sometimes making amendments is just not possible, it's not piece of cake is what i mean. i mean are you ready for the change. If you know that the world'll end, are you ready to take it and not call the person that told you that insane.. People are not ready to learn,listen. This is why this era has been the era of the devil. wish i could just ignore, but i don't probably what to make that wish, cause if you wish too hard the wish's going to slam you what you want ten fold and may be more then you can handle. and even i have my limits, you know...

She was too good for me. I was too good to her. And our relationship was too good to last. Just like too much of a good thing is always bad.

Today i went to the kerala trip with specimens of my company. It's not like i'm perfect, it was a unique experience. The specimen no.1, a small boy who wants and knows how to get things his way. Specimen no.2, a new born baby who doesn't know anything. Specimen no.3, a sad man who complaints about everything. Specimen no.4, the guy who i taut was normal turned out to be a volcano. The study of human behaviour is definately a intersting hobby. But what intersts me is how i tend to discover parts of myself in the processes of interaction. What i found about me is, i'm neighter a follower nor a leader. I don't like to follow through other's wishes nor i know how to lead. So ultimately i end up alone as a wanderer... The other thing i learned is , when people talk about me, i don't give a dame, but if ppl try to hurt, scold or try to force ppl i love into doing things they don't wanna do. Then it's like provoking me for a fight, i can't refuse, i simply can't stand it. Let alone anything happen to me, but nothing should happen to ppl i love or care about. This is the current mentalily, of my life...

I miss u...
I miss your voice as i ride the bus every day..
I miss wishing u on every other event..
I miss calling u, just to show how beautiful the sunset and how nice the moon is..
I try to forget but the things around me keeps reminding me how precious u are in my life..
I miss teasing u, i miss scolding u for silly mistakes u make.
I miss u every day...

When a girl get her heart broken, there are hundred boys ready to heal it.but when a boy gets his heart broken he's lonely for life, or just move on...

I just realized life goes on even without you.

But in some corner of my mind you are still there. It's not easy to remove memories, you can only mask it with a better one.Like i always thaught, the fastest way to destroy a ripple is to cause a bigger one.

As time parts.. The pain in my heart is healing bit by bit.. Now I'm almost OK, i can make a conversation. But the pain still remains somewhere in the corner of my heart, reminding me of my sorrow..what else can i say, everything is back to normal, well almost normal.

I don't think i've told u what my sorrow is.the thing is, I think i was in love, for a moment in my life with a girl not related to me by family. This is how it happened...

When i first joined engineering, on my first day of my college.My father told me, that a cousin of mine whom i never met before, whose relation is soo long that i can't explain, is in my class. He told me her name and told me to friend her. Now how do u find a girl in ur class whom u've never seen before in the midst of strangers.

I followed the attendance call and paid attention to names called and who answered the call.that's the best i could think of on my first day of my college. Well i'm not a good listener, well most of the time, so at the end of the day, i narrowed down to two people.

For some reason i can't remember, i went to the coll office for some enquire. And one of the shortlisted candidate for the long relation-ed cousin was sitting in the waiter's seat to enter the principal's office. Thinking that she could be my cousin,i approached her and asked her,"are u h****ni?", she with a confused look(as expected) said,"no. I'm a****ni, that's the other girl". I just said yes and took my leave.she confused asked me,"why?". I didn't reply and just saying "OK OK" left the office.

This is how i first met her. She had a weird look. Her face was a moon on like a 4th or 5th day of wax on,curve...she weared cloths like a small nomad kashmiri frock is the best i could describe it. That's what impressed me. I'm a sucker for weird things. I just had to know her. But i was kind of a shy lad, so i could't just walk to her and say things. So i just kept a tab on her and acted normal.

She's a charming sunshine, always cheerful,always like a little girl.Every time she walked in to the room,it was just amazing..3yrs passed by just like that, and i never met her or talked to her directly. Always i was just someone in the class just observing her along with other girls. Just like every other guy in the class. Since i was like kept to myself kinda guy.

I never like objected to anything people say about me, i was like kinda don't care kinda guy, well i still am. Because of that, my so called friends, with whom i hang out, started teasing me with weird nickname like "silent killer, serial kisser,etc". But believe me i was never that kinda guy at that age. And there was a reason why they called me that. I tried to take a pic of a girl who was supposed to be my p.u friend who made it like a class beauty. Eventually she stopped talking to me.

So coming to the main scene.since i had that kinda image girls hesitated to talk to me, till the 4th yr. We started grouping for the final yr project, and i had few members short, the reason for this is the result was due and i didn't know that i would come to the 4th yr, with good luck and god's grace i made it to the final yr, but by the time results got out all the class members were grouped. Including the so called best friend who i usually hang out with. So i didn't get the option of choosing my group. I had to join any group who's short of members.Even she had grouped with others. But the people in my group were her friends with whom she usually talk to. So to be more social i had to tag along to my group people. This is when i talked to her for the second time, and to couple of other girls whom i never talked to my entire life, who were in my class. Since i joined the group i just jump into conversation with my group people, who were most of the time talking to her. That's how i came to knowing her. I usually write short stories,poems and other thing in a blog which which I've little or no talent. For a post in a new blog of mine i decided to write a short review of all the girls i had serious crush on. And she was one me them. Even after careful checking before posting, some how her street name with we all call her remained. I didn't know this and started suggesting to people i meet on the internet, whom by some reason happens to her on one fine day. After some time i just got a message from her asking whom it was based on. Me just like answering to any other fan questions replied as just a taught. She didn't believe it and text me,"pls say truthfully. Whom it it based on". I thinking tat it was just a tease, justified as an another one of my imagination.

The time has come. The time to tell my deep feelings, which is aceing my heart and troubling my mind. I'm running now. Running from what was never mine to begin with. Running from myself who was tricked. Running from hope, which hurt me a lot. The life is in a new perspective but we can't hide from our past. Out of all the things, some things just can't be forgotten easily..

My Spiritual theory

The whole universe is made up of spiritual particles.
the spiritual particles condense to form one god. This god
splits up into three particles, to form three supreme entity.
It's been said that, at the end of time, all the fragments of the
gods will become one true entity and disappear for further evolution.
We all are part of the god we know to worship.Even the atheists
are a fragment of the great spiritual one, Coz the life without
origin is only thing that doesn't end,everything else will and should end.

Theory Of spirits:
The spirits are a mass of spiritual particles condensed to form an entity,
The entity will eventually disintegrate and absorbed into living things
like us.The unstable condense spiritual beings which do not have
bodies and mimic the composition of the great one, is called angels/gods.

Theory of Life:
all living beings/creature is a spirit enclosed in a mortal body. The
body makes sure that the spirit doesn't escape in to the environment.
The spirit enter into a body and control it to be who we are. The
spirits adapt to our body from birth and make sure the body is a tool
for what we want to do.

Color of life:
All living souls have a color which represent them,A soul can't
change their color when they are in a body.When the soul leaves
the body, it becomes the white/light and get absorbed into the objects
around them.The wind/air, fire,water,earth all contain spirit particle
the color of light/white.

Spirits Nature:
Spirits support each other, as long as you treat them with respect and care
and dignity they are. Spirits help each other when they are around you to
support life(kind of one of the deals). The spirits maintain the balance
of nature.So that's why people don't die when they die, their spirit becomes
part of the nature.

Spirit has a tendency to react to your heart.Like the laws of the winds,and
laws of the magnetic poles. Spirits flow from one place/point to another.
Some times in the winds or any other element of the nature.That's why
you feel energized,refreshed when you do something you feel is right, or
get depressed when you do something which you feel is wrong.

You can ask them to help you, if you truly believe and treat them with
respect.

page 3

Next morning. The usual work.the day after the same, the same.The tings were going as usual, well of-couse i was busy setting up the office to notice anything.It was kind two weeks or twenty days or so. When i saw her again. This time She was passing by my office,around the same time when i was about to leave.She walked infrount of me, i started following her just to see how far r we on the same route.She moved from one road to another, in the same route which lead to my apartment.

After about 10min walk, i reached my apartment, and i decided i end my pursuit. As i stared out of my window. The girl sat in one of the benches on the river bank and opened the book.I taught it was time i went and talked to her, so i grabbed a juice pack and went down there to talk to her.I was still pretty taken back to approach an
unknown girl, if she wasn't alone i probably wouldn't have went down. When i approached the bench, she was busy thinking something to notice me, and tears was dripping down her chin, through i probably didn't notice it from the window. I quickly asked her,'are you ok?',distracting her from her thinking.She quickly wiped her tears and said,'si'. i asked 'here wanna have some juice?','no thanks'. i sat next to her and said 'is this seat also reserved, shall i move!'. She gazed at me with that sad look.'We met in the coffee bar the other day, i saw u from my apartment sitting alone, so came to say hi'. She didn't speak a word. i asked her again,'are you ok?',She quickly closed her book and went off without saying a word.'hey... hey..',She didn't reply. So sat on the bench looking at the sunset, finished my juice and went back.

The next day,i went to the office a little bit early, so as to meet her at the usual coffee shop where i met her the first time.As soon as i walked near the coffee shop, she left.It was just 10min early you know. Remensing of my bad luck, i taught i'll just leave her alone. Besides who was i to her anyway.

SAMURAI OF THE WINDS- PART1

you jumped in to save me.. but you don't have enough power to save me boy.
boy-'i'll protect everyone. i won't let anyone die infrount of me'

The man kills of the bandits. man- where are you going boy?. boy-'to sanzuian mountain to train swordsmen ship in the dojo there'. man-'it takes around 6 months to get to the sanzuian hills and i heard the dojos there are quite expensive. You must be rich, be careful of the bandits on the way'. boy-'no. i'm not rich. I'll do whatever it takes to become strong and protect my family and people close to me'. man-'i know swordsmen ship besides i'm quite a master my self. If you accompany me to the sanzuian hills, i'll teach you a technique or two. what do u say boy. will you learn from me?'. boy-'will you teach me! but i don't have any money. like you said the dojos are costly, will u teach me for free!!.'man-'yes'.boy-' then i'll learn. please teach me.i wanna become strong and protect people close to me. please teach me'.man-' ok, but lets get out of here for now, if someone sees us with the bodies, we might get into trouble'.
next day...

The technique i'm going to teach you is like a  double edge sword. it used improperly could kill the user itself. This technique is the strongest and most dangerous technique, it can kill any number of people in one strike no matter how many hostages, if mastered in advance level. but also can kill you if you make a slightest mistake in using it. Since this technique is so powerful, many people will come to challenge it, and using it in the public without proper mastering is also dangerous, not only to the people around you but also to yourself. hence you have to promise me never to use my technique without my permission. Do you agree?. And before i could begin to teach you, you need to accept me as your master and believe in my teaching methods, or else you will not learn anything no matter how i teach. So do you agree?.
boy-' yes. When will you start?'

 

Two Faces Of Soul

Everybody has a black one and a white one inside their mind. white one to tell what's right and black one to tell what you want. But you need to choose which one to listen to.

Black one only tell us what we want in our deepest thoughts, it wants you to be truly happy from within. The ultimate happiness, is the deepest sorrow of life. This is what the black one want for you, to make you let go all your bonding to the mortal world and become truly happy.To never get the chance to be sad. And in the null void, there is no sadness. Even if it means strip you of everything, because in null void there is also no happiness, all there is peace, content, and loneliness. The black one is prepared to make you do anything to take you there. Some people call it as hell since only loneliness exist there.

The people you care for vary from person to person, something or someone which is important to one person may not be important to other. How far can you go to make the one person you love happy, even if it's just for a second.Even kill? The black one does just that for the one person it loves the most, you. No one loves you more then the black one, not even the white one. And the black one can even kill the person who makes you slightly sad. Even against your wishes. That's why it's called the devil.

Do you know love is the curse that the devil left in the apple eve ate, at the beginning of the creation. Even if the love gives you happiness, it gives sadness when the person you loved disappoints you. The black one gains strength from your sadness and takes it to it's hands to free you from that sadness. That's why you feel like killing the person who makes you mad, even if you don't mean it. Black one is your ultimate lover who does anything for you, even kill.

The Chinese people believed the perfect harmony of the white one with the black one is the key to the happy, fruitful life.Hence the ninja 'chi' symbol.

Every mind like the moon on a normal day. Not when in at full moon or no moon day, just a normal moon day. Just because you can see only half of the moon,it doesn't mean the moon is only half. It just mean you can only see half of the moon at that time. If you can experience the full moon phase(light side/white one/beautiful side) and no moon phase(dark side/black one/ugly side) of a person and still like him for who he is. That is the ultimate love any person can give for other.

Missing Heart

Where do u think my heart might be.
But i sure know it's in the wrong places..
and why can't i control it...

do u think, that someone put a spell on me, to not do anything.may be...
may be... that's why i can't do anything even if it's the normal household
stuff or things which i should do for my own sake, without convincing my heart.
I just don't priorities it, i give my heart the supreme control,like i have nothing else in the world to live for, or something like I'm already dead why should i care if my future holds anything..

that kind of a sumpremisity. It's like my mind just goes blank and every thing no matter how important it is, is postponed sometimes momentarily, sometimes indefinitely. I'm not happy at that moment, but my desires are so strong, that i can't oppose it. it's kinda like being possessed...
and it's just a fragment of the situation i feel...

page 2(to be continued)

    It was that day. i took my post as the dept officer of my company. France,Paris is really a wonderful place, luckily my apartment  was in the view of the river canal. When i saw outside of my window, i would have a direct view of the river, people sitting on the bank, or the people walking on the roadside would be my source of entertainment,I'm not much  of a t.v guy after all.
   And to my least of the expectations, there she was, the girl i met in the coffee shop in the morning. As tired as i was as in the first day of the job. I was hoping that she would be just a passer by, just walking to her house on her way. No matter how much i hoped, she sat on one of the benches on the river bank, and quickly opened a book.
  It was just passed 5.15, and i had just reached my apartment.The evening was so beautiful, and there she was sitting on the bench with a book in her hand. You see, if there is anything, i just can't stand is seeing a person sad or lonely. I'm quite eccentric, so i often close my window and curtains when such a person is near me. But i couldn't afford to close the curtains on such a beautiful seenary,so i decided I'll just take a walk.
  just about when i was about leave my apartment,the owner of the apartment came to the door to talk about the apartment condition. Since he was in a hurry, there was no escaping it, a jolly troll was no excuse to avoid him. By the time he was finished, the girl on the bench was not to be seen from the window, and it was almost past sunset. So i decided it wasn't worth going out for now,so i ordered the lunch and decided to sleep it off.

1st page.

Name Nanial judas. Male. 23yrs old.Works in a international company(can't name for tech reasons). Just got transferred to Paris. Home town is a secret. I just got off the international airport. Since my company sponsored my work here, my apartment, my car and even the petrol which goes into my car is paid by my company. Lucky huh...
Paris is a beautiful city,i like the old buildings and the roads and even the roadside cafes... i reach my apartment, tired and went to bed. Since it was new for me in the city, i decided to take a taxi to work for the first day, even when i own a car, coz i'm bad at directions...

My office starts at 10. just to be on a safe side and not to be late on the first day, you know like traffic and stuff. i called the cab at 8. Probably the best thing done or the worst. The place i work is just 10 min drive, 15min walk from where i stay.This was my first day, How should i know?!!!

Anyway, i reached there only to find the place opens at 9, with the guard sitting outside.. And most of all i dono french.it got me worried, how do i survive in the place where i dono the language, place. for the most the people could be making fun of me, how would i know..?!!!  

Instead of sitting on the steps, i decided to take a walk, and to my luck found a cafe, open just on the diagonally opposite to the office. next to the cafe was a music academy. I was sitting outside alone on a table, a waiter comes to me and said something in french. I quickly replied,"I dono french, english pls". the waiter,"We don't serve english, what do u want?"."Oho, sorry. one coffee pls". "which one?".me,"huh?!". "black,latte, which one?". me, "latte pls". As i was waiting for my latte, a girl came and sat in my table. If you are wondering, that it was a big table, no it was a table for two. and i did't know her. She noticed me looking at her, and said,"Sorry, this is my usual table.So u r the one sitting in my table".me,"I don't see any reservations anywhere, do u want me to move". "if u like...". Then my latte came, along with her coffee(dono which). i started my coffee, took out my phone, and started looking around. I paid no attention to her, and was in no hurry to finish my latte, since i wanted to spend time till pass 9.But i did notice that she opened a notebook and started writing some character (musical), so figured that she was from the music school and was waiting for he academy to open. Didn't talk to her after that. She looked busy, so i never bothered.

For about a half an hour, we stood there sitting on the table, without exchanging a word. I know i was a silent type, but it was even beyond my threshold. So i said,"Music.. r u from this academy?". "yes". it's the only reply i got. after that she looked around. started putting the book inside and went off to the academy.

i'm sad because i spent all day doing nothing.The irony is i can't think of anything better to do. why is my life soo miserable, that all i am is a worthless piece of trash,where i can't find my value to cash it in. i always taught that even a pebble has value when in the hands of a right person. i never taught that finding that value would be this difficult...

Nobody cares what you write in your status. what's the point of liking a status. why do u like it? is it because it's entertaining or is it because it's different or is it because you couldn't come up with it your self. who cares who likes your status anyway, it's all a bunch of worthless crap.Nobody cares to help to the problems...

why don't i give what others    

Saturday...8.36

                         Today is Saturday. The end of the week, finally time to relax and take some time out for myself. During this week I've started my obsession once again for bleach(anime series) this time.This obsession started with me seeing the first episode on TV, last week end. Now I'm in 60th episode. I knew i could never stop at one, this is why i once had decided not to see this anime,to avoid addiction(I'm an anime freak), but for some reason, i decided to check it out,and now i can't stop watching:) ....
                         I might as well tell you the general idea about this anime. The story revolves around the character called Kurosaki Ichigo, who could see dead spirits since from childhood,he then becomes a substitute grim reepear/death god by absorbing the powers from Kuchiki Rukia, who was supposed to grim reepear to start with and gets injured while protecting Ichigo's family from hollows(monster souls which do not go to soul society/heaven). Transfering powers of the death god is supposed to be a mortal sin in the sprit world/soul society, and gets arrested by her step brother who was supposed to be a captain of a wing of soul reepear in the soul society army. And Ichigo goes to the soul society to rescue her.
                        I have reached till here, this is the present story ,along with some conspiracy in soul society.

Hollow Heart

I am a hollow of the world. I have no future,the past is gone. Today is what i am. living for the ideals of my father, forgetting my own. This body needs nothing as it's own, the soul is already already empty. The wind of sorrow is all that's keeps me alive. Ya. I'm alive. too tiered of counting the days, worn out enough to see the light. Living like a leech on the sadness of others. Blaming no one, not even myself for my way, i live. They say only if u shed light you'll see the true object. But there isn't enough light to see me. That's y i pray. Only the light of the god can see my heart. If he decides to shed it. But What is there in my heart? Love? Hatered? Joy? Nothing. ... I'm just a empty shell of my father's wishes,my mother's object, my grandma's hopes, swolled in one big pot of nothing.

One of my old dreams......

                  I had this dream when i was in high school. I was hard on boy even then.

                 The dream starts with me coming out of my tutor's house after the class it was late in the night, i'm walking on the road,(there's a public library at the end of the road) the library next to the road seems to be roofless, for some reason it does't amaze me at all, next i walk to my home, the house seems to be destroyed with barely walls standing walls, like it was hit in a bomb blast. I open the gate and get in the compound. As i was entering the house some rough people see me and run sacred before i could get to them. I felt as if they were f**king, in the place and ran as soon i saw them.

                Next thing i know, it's morning and i'm in my room seeing through my window. As i was looking, few people in the custom made bikes, park in front of my gate. I soon run to my room's door and lock it, and came back to the window. In the back seat of one of the rider, a beautiful girl in white top, gets down.
               The most beautiful girl i've ever seen is coming through my gate. I'm feel the chill through my spine, and suddenly i'm scared/shy. Never before in my entire life i was ever been shy of a girl. And this girl is making me hide under the window!!. I was hoping she does't see me.

               This girl along with the other guys walks in my compound inspecting something. This girl white as a snow in a white top and long black hair like an angel.This whole time i'm peeping through the open window hiding myself hoping she doesn't see me .

               And suddenly i wake up.I tried going back to sleep but that didn't work....^_^

My Late Night Thinking...

           This is kind of weird for me who is always asleep. I'm not getting any sleep tonight and it's around 3 a.m. I'm starting to regret talking to her about her love life, but i never back off when someone asks for help. It's just not in my nature to say no when someone ask for help, aside from monitory aid[I'm stingy].

            Talking to her made me think about my life, and how it's not going anywhere, not just in love life but also in career, it's like I'm not trying at all. Or I'm too confused to try and do anything.

             Sometimes i think it'll all just work out, but sometimes i curse my fate. I know i have to do something, but i'm just too lazy to do anything.It's like i'm not thinking about anything other then present moment, no even what to do this afternoon or tomorrow. All i care about is what i wanna do at this moment, that too if it comes to me or i'll just watch t.v or sleep.I donno why i'm like this. but i'm just this way.

            And the funny thing is i'm just too lazy even to plan to change. May be i may sound supersaturating but i never supersaturate about myself.  

my first post

This is my very first post in this blog. My name is nitesh. And this is my blog about my personal feelings log. I've decided to start this blog becoz, i'm currently unemployed and having these feelings gausing out of me, and i need a platform to put it out of my mind and document it. I don't mind anyone reading it or commenting on it, except that i will only entertain positive comments:)