Missing Heart

Where do u think my heart might be.
But i sure know it's in the wrong places..
and why can't i control it...

do u think, that someone put a spell on me, to not do anything.may be...
may be... that's why i can't do anything even if it's the normal household
stuff or things which i should do for my own sake, without convincing my heart.
I just don't priorities it, i give my heart the supreme control,like i have nothing else in the world to live for, or something like I'm already dead why should i care if my future holds anything..

that kind of a sumpremisity. It's like my mind just goes blank and every thing no matter how important it is, is postponed sometimes momentarily, sometimes indefinitely. I'm not happy at that moment, but my desires are so strong, that i can't oppose it. it's kinda like being possessed...
and it's just a fragment of the situation i feel...

page 2(to be continued)

    It was that day. i took my post as the dept officer of my company. France,Paris is really a wonderful place, luckily my apartment  was in the view of the river canal. When i saw outside of my window, i would have a direct view of the river, people sitting on the bank, or the people walking on the roadside would be my source of entertainment,I'm not much  of a t.v guy after all.
   And to my least of the expectations, there she was, the girl i met in the coffee shop in the morning. As tired as i was as in the first day of the job. I was hoping that she would be just a passer by, just walking to her house on her way. No matter how much i hoped, she sat on one of the benches on the river bank, and quickly opened a book.
  It was just passed 5.15, and i had just reached my apartment.The evening was so beautiful, and there she was sitting on the bench with a book in her hand. You see, if there is anything, i just can't stand is seeing a person sad or lonely. I'm quite eccentric, so i often close my window and curtains when such a person is near me. But i couldn't afford to close the curtains on such a beautiful seenary,so i decided I'll just take a walk.
  just about when i was about leave my apartment,the owner of the apartment came to the door to talk about the apartment condition. Since he was in a hurry, there was no escaping it, a jolly troll was no excuse to avoid him. By the time he was finished, the girl on the bench was not to be seen from the window, and it was almost past sunset. So i decided it wasn't worth going out for now,so i ordered the lunch and decided to sleep it off.

1st page.

Name Nanial judas. Male. 23yrs old.Works in a international company(can't name for tech reasons). Just got transferred to Paris. Home town is a secret. I just got off the international airport. Since my company sponsored my work here, my apartment, my car and even the petrol which goes into my car is paid by my company. Lucky huh...
Paris is a beautiful city,i like the old buildings and the roads and even the roadside cafes... i reach my apartment, tired and went to bed. Since it was new for me in the city, i decided to take a taxi to work for the first day, even when i own a car, coz i'm bad at directions...

My office starts at 10. just to be on a safe side and not to be late on the first day, you know like traffic and stuff. i called the cab at 8. Probably the best thing done or the worst. The place i work is just 10 min drive, 15min walk from where i stay.This was my first day, How should i know?!!!

Anyway, i reached there only to find the place opens at 9, with the guard sitting outside.. And most of all i dono french.it got me worried, how do i survive in the place where i dono the language, place. for the most the people could be making fun of me, how would i know..?!!!  

Instead of sitting on the steps, i decided to take a walk, and to my luck found a cafe, open just on the diagonally opposite to the office. next to the cafe was a music academy. I was sitting outside alone on a table, a waiter comes to me and said something in french. I quickly replied,"I dono french, english pls". the waiter,"We don't serve english, what do u want?"."Oho, sorry. one coffee pls". "which one?".me,"huh?!". "black,latte, which one?". me, "latte pls". As i was waiting for my latte, a girl came and sat in my table. If you are wondering, that it was a big table, no it was a table for two. and i did't know her. She noticed me looking at her, and said,"Sorry, this is my usual table.So u r the one sitting in my table".me,"I don't see any reservations anywhere, do u want me to move". "if u like...". Then my latte came, along with her coffee(dono which). i started my coffee, took out my phone, and started looking around. I paid no attention to her, and was in no hurry to finish my latte, since i wanted to spend time till pass 9.But i did notice that she opened a notebook and started writing some character (musical), so figured that she was from the music school and was waiting for he academy to open. Didn't talk to her after that. She looked busy, so i never bothered.

For about a half an hour, we stood there sitting on the table, without exchanging a word. I know i was a silent type, but it was even beyond my threshold. So i said,"Music.. r u from this academy?". "yes". it's the only reply i got. after that she looked around. started putting the book inside and went off to the academy.

i'm sad because i spent all day doing nothing.The irony is i can't think of anything better to do. why is my life soo miserable, that all i am is a worthless piece of trash,where i can't find my value to cash it in. i always taught that even a pebble has value when in the hands of a right person. i never taught that finding that value would be this difficult...

Nobody cares what you write in your status. what's the point of liking a status. why do u like it? is it because it's entertaining or is it because it's different or is it because you couldn't come up with it your self. who cares who likes your status anyway, it's all a bunch of worthless crap.Nobody cares to help to the problems...

why don't i give what others    

Saturday...8.36

                         Today is Saturday. The end of the week, finally time to relax and take some time out for myself. During this week I've started my obsession once again for bleach(anime series) this time.This obsession started with me seeing the first episode on TV, last week end. Now I'm in 60th episode. I knew i could never stop at one, this is why i once had decided not to see this anime,to avoid addiction(I'm an anime freak), but for some reason, i decided to check it out,and now i can't stop watching:) ....
                         I might as well tell you the general idea about this anime. The story revolves around the character called Kurosaki Ichigo, who could see dead spirits since from childhood,he then becomes a substitute grim reepear/death god by absorbing the powers from Kuchiki Rukia, who was supposed to grim reepear to start with and gets injured while protecting Ichigo's family from hollows(monster souls which do not go to soul society/heaven). Transfering powers of the death god is supposed to be a mortal sin in the sprit world/soul society, and gets arrested by her step brother who was supposed to be a captain of a wing of soul reepear in the soul society army. And Ichigo goes to the soul society to rescue her.
                        I have reached till here, this is the present story ,along with some conspiracy in soul society.

Hollow Heart

I am a hollow of the world. I have no future,the past is gone. Today is what i am. living for the ideals of my father, forgetting my own. This body needs nothing as it's own, the soul is already already empty. The wind of sorrow is all that's keeps me alive. Ya. I'm alive. too tiered of counting the days, worn out enough to see the light. Living like a leech on the sadness of others. Blaming no one, not even myself for my way, i live. They say only if u shed light you'll see the true object. But there isn't enough light to see me. That's y i pray. Only the light of the god can see my heart. If he decides to shed it. But What is there in my heart? Love? Hatered? Joy? Nothing. ... I'm just a empty shell of my father's wishes,my mother's object, my grandma's hopes, swolled in one big pot of nothing.

One of my old dreams......

                  I had this dream when i was in high school. I was hard on boy even then.

                 The dream starts with me coming out of my tutor's house after the class it was late in the night, i'm walking on the road,(there's a public library at the end of the road) the library next to the road seems to be roofless, for some reason it does't amaze me at all, next i walk to my home, the house seems to be destroyed with barely walls standing walls, like it was hit in a bomb blast. I open the gate and get in the compound. As i was entering the house some rough people see me and run sacred before i could get to them. I felt as if they were f**king, in the place and ran as soon i saw them.

                Next thing i know, it's morning and i'm in my room seeing through my window. As i was looking, few people in the custom made bikes, park in front of my gate. I soon run to my room's door and lock it, and came back to the window. In the back seat of one of the rider, a beautiful girl in white top, gets down.
               The most beautiful girl i've ever seen is coming through my gate. I'm feel the chill through my spine, and suddenly i'm scared/shy. Never before in my entire life i was ever been shy of a girl. And this girl is making me hide under the window!!. I was hoping she does't see me.

               This girl along with the other guys walks in my compound inspecting something. This girl white as a snow in a white top and long black hair like an angel.This whole time i'm peeping through the open window hiding myself hoping she doesn't see me .

               And suddenly i wake up.I tried going back to sleep but that didn't work....^_^